We moms have that internal struggle. The one where the one part of us is pulling to just take care of our kids; to soak it all in, never miss a snuggle, those funny conversations, or being their for your child when they are in need. The other part of us that is pulling for us to do something for ourselves. Something that makes us feel good and that satisfies our inner drive and want to be successful. Maybe it's running a business, starting a business, doing things for fun, or living out a passion of ours. It is so difficult to balance those two different pulls. When I just choose one and forget about the other side, I am not happy. When I am doing both I am trying to find that perfect balance between the two so I don't feel any guilt.. It doesn't exist. [ #momguiltisreal ] I know I am not the only one that loves her kids unconditionally and wants to be there for every second of their lives, but also wants to not forget about myself, and my happiness.
I have seen too many times where women forget about themselves. They devote everything they have to their kids, for twenty years of their lives. Then when their kids move out, they really don't have much left. I know I don't want to end up there. I also know I don't want to end up twenty years down the road wishing I had snuggled my kids just a little more. I don't want to miss those funny conversations. [You know, the ones where they just kind of ramble that they want to go to the store because they need this and that, oh and then they need to go see their friend, and Aunt Bay, and then just end it with "it's ra-dica-lis" and then giggle.] I don't want to not be the one to hold them when they cry after they hurt themselves. It is so difficult juggling the time to satisfy both, making both count by giving both sides your all. I am sure you know this, but it is way harder to juggle the emotion aspect of it than it is to juggle the time.
Mom guilt is real. It is really an every day struggle. I felt it so much when I was on bed rest, and when Fitz was in the NICU. I was better off leaving Anderson with family, while I went to spend time with Fitz in the NICU. I couldn't wait for him to be home, so I could have both kids and husband all in the same room, all the time. I didn't want to split my time. It was too hard to figure out who I was supposed to pick to spend time with. Fitz, where he sleeps majority of the time I am there but needs kangaroo time to improve, or Anderson who missed out on 13 straight weeks of mom time, and deserved tons of mom's undivided attention. If I brought her, I felt I couldn't hold Fitz because in about a second Anderson would be ready to run around, be loud, and want to have fun. [If anybody has been in a NICU, they know all of those things are "not allowed" ]. I feel it a lot now too. I have started doing interior design for myself, to make that part of me complete. Well when I have meetings and have to leave the kids with a grandma. I feel guilty. I had two meetings this week and I felt so guilty after the second time I left the kids. I just felt like I am being too busy for them. I am not giving them everything I should. In reality, I am giving them everything I can, and honestly, it's probably good for them to get a break from me. I mean, I don't want them to be annoyed that they see me all day errry day [ ya herrrrrr ]. They love their grandparents too, so it is just so nice to get them a chance to spend a little time with them. Then I think, well is this me justifying it, or is this the truth? Andrew tells me it's good for me, it's good for them. I try to let it go, but here I am still thinking about it. Luckily, today I had one of those days I really got to spend time with them. I love these days with the kids. I also really enjoy days were I can be with them but also have a meeting in the middle of my day for a little tiny bit of "me time". I am sure I am going to be feeling this "mom guilt" for the rest of my life. It is a part of motherhood. It may be a part of motherhood that people don't talk about much, but it's a big one. I am sure one will have a dance show at the same time the other has a golf tournament, and how will I choose which one to go watch? Will I try to make it to both, and drive like crazy from one to the other before the other one is finished? I admire moms who do it all, or at least look like they do it all. It's all about faking it till you make it, right guys? I am a "HUUUUGE" [not to quote Donald Trump or anything....] fan of faking it till we make it. That is definitely not to be taken in a superficial way, but in a way that's believing. Believing we can do it all, and acting like we can do it all and before you know it, you're doing it all! I notice when I do that during the day, I lay my head down to sleep at night [or early am...you know...this late night mom over here] I am utterly exhausted, but I feel accomplished. I did it all today. I did everything I needed to do and more. My mind worked a million times a minute but man did I work hard and did it pay off! That leads to me falling asleep in about .44 seconds, but you get the idea. Each day we look at it in the morning thinking, man how will I do it all. I surprise myself when I just do. I don't think and I just get in there and next thing you know I am laying in bed at night thinking wow, I just did all of that. I saw this quote today from Toby Mac [ #speaklife ]. He always posts these inspirational quotes that really just hit me right where I needed to be hit. They are usually when I need the encouragement the most, it just happens to hit the nail right on the head.
It really resonated with me. I am so guilty of this. God doesn't want us to foresee things. He wants us to take each day, each moment at a time. If we do that, and trust Him while we do that, there is no need to look backwards and wonder about doing it differently. He will guide our path. He will make us strong within our journey if we just trust Him. This holds true to not only each of our daily struggles, but also for our long term journey. Instead of me worrying about if I am being the best mom, and if by doing something for myself too is too much time away; I just need to trust in God. I need to trust that He is leading me. There is a bigger, greater picture that we can't see. Instead of wasting our precious time worrying about it, let's all just trust. We are all giving it our all. We are all trying to be the best moms we can be. The best dads, grandparents, and frankly, just the best all around people we can be. We do our part by trying to be the best we can and do anything we can, and God does His by showing what He can do when we give it all to Him. He already has it mapped out for us, and we are strong enough. We just feel that we aren't. We have self doubt. Next time I notice myself having self doubt, I need to remind myself that God wouldn't want me to be doubting Him and what He can do. He is a reflection of me. If I am doubting myself, I am doubting Him. I should have learned by now to never doubt anything He can do; Everything I can do is because of Him, He will help me succeed and be the best I can be. He will also help me have peace with my decisions and help me not feel guilty.
[ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ] Jeremiah 29:11.
